turning and tossing

I can’t sleep. I tried laying in bed with my eyes closed, but I can’t stop thinking about dark blue scrubs and nurse managers and the Getty and the beach. I suppose it’s because tomorrow (well–today, actually) Jeremy and I are going to UCLA to pick up my new scrubs and meet my new manager before we head off to the Getty and then the beach.

Tuesday I signed my papers for UCLA, and next week will be my first week of real work as an RN. It makes sense that I’m excited to visit the hospital tomorrow and begin in three short days. But excited enough to prevent me from sleeping three whole days before it all really starts?

I’m not anxious. I mean I don’t feel nervous. I don’t think I should be freaked out. I had hot dogs and coffee with Kate Jordan today, who–as of last night–has two full shifts in her brand new surgical ICU under her belt. I asked her if she got a little nervous before her first couple days and her answer was pretty much just plain “no.” My other friends who have started also seem to be doing fine. No one seems really worried, or like they nearly wet their pants each morning as they drive to work.

It is a little fishy, however, that I’m awake, unable to sleep, like I said, before the weekend even really gets going. Maybe I’m just really excited about going to the Getty and the beach. Although I noticed I started biting my lip tonight, which is something I tend to do when I’m sort of subconsciously stressed or anxious about something.

It’d be nice if my rational mind could have a little more control over whatever part of me is responsible for these little “feelings” that rudely creep up on me without my permission. I know I’ll be fine. I’m pretty confident I’ll make new friends, learn a lot, and eventually become a really good nurse. But I have a feeling the road there will be tricky for me in some ways. That’s good, I suppose. Wouldn’t want to get out of college and feel like things got easier now, right? Nah. Bring it on. (Carefully, please?)

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One comment

  1. Megan Wilmarth · August 9, 2009

    I totally know what you mean! I’ve been feeling these little bouts of ‘something/nervous feelings’… and the only thing I’ve been able to attribute it to is the ‘newness of all these first time life experiences.’ For some reason, I always figured starting a new job was just supposed to be majorly exciting, not nervous inducing. But I’m learning that it can be both! We have lots of responsibility as nurses! I’m praying for you friend and your transition into the real-working-world! I’m so so so very ecstatic and supportive of you to blazing the trail on the CTICU! Love you tons!
    (We need to hang out soon!) 🙂

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